쉿!

Jonghyun once said having secrets is good. Things you can't tell anyone are natural. When you think about it, have you really told EVERYTHING about yourself to anyone? I'm pretty sure I haven't.

I kept my crush a secret for three months and it's a good thing I did. I never should've told anyone but it's in my nature to tell everyone about everything that happens in my life. 

I can keep others' secrets, but mine? You bet at least six other people know. Because I just can't keep it in.

Even though I have an account on twitter with zero followers, for my eyes only, I still have to share stuff with someone. If I start liking a new group, you bet all my friends know I'm watching their content. 

I have a blog, for fuck's sake. This is the definition of not being able to keep stuff to myself. 

But I'm trying now. I'm trying to keep things to myself now.

Honestly, I feel like no one actually cares. I'd find myself annoying if I was my friend, too. (I say as if I don't find myself annoying now...). Maybe they don't, but it feels that way when I tell them every little thing that happens in my lame life, and they don't tell me.

My heart breaks a little whenever I find out someone hasn't told me something. Even if they think it's not important, I'd love to hear about it, and they just.... don't tell me. And at that moment I'm conflicted between trying to find out what else they haven't told me and just never ever telling them anything that happens to me again. (I love being a gemini!)

Perhaps it's just my own insecurity. I hate it so much but I constantly feel like my friends dislike me and it's hard living like this. I KNOW they don't hate me and that they wouldn't hang out with me every week if they did, but the feeling's there and I'm trying to get rid of it. But whenever something like that happens, it gets stronger. "They didn't tell me that so they don't want me to know which means they don't want me in their life, okay" and similar thoughts rush to my mind.

I've never had real friends before. I've never had anyone I could tell everything about myself - I barely told them anything and they still knew too much about me. But now.. I have SO MANY amazing friends. I don't know who to thank for them, but I'd never be able to thank them enough. I love them the most in the entire world and I never want to lose them. And that's why I tell them everything. I want them to know because I trust them. 

I don't know where I'm going with this.

The point is.... Having secrets is okay. No one can pressure you into telling them things you don't want to tell them. Maybe it's hard; I have to use every little bit of energy I have to bite my tongue and not to reveal something I want to keep secret sometimes. But it's okay not sharing everything about yourself, even with people you trust the most. It's okay. If Jonghyun said so, then it's true.