ALWAYS IN MY HEART

I'm bad at expressing my emotions. I don't know in which ways to show people how much they mean to me. Even though I'm supposedly good at writing, I never have enough words and I don't know in which order to put them to express all the love I have for them.

And I have a lot of love. I can not explain you how many people told me "you loving Jonghyun just means your love capacity is big and now that he's gone you just need to find another person to love so much". Every single psychologist kept going on about the "love capacity". And I kept going on about how special Jonghyun is.

I know I love a lot of idols. There's always someone new on my instagram story, there's always someone I post and say "i love them the most". But Jonghyun is my everything. Not was, is. 

He's gone. And I have to move on. And I've been doing really well lately. I don't cry nearly as much as I did a month ago. I can look at a photo of him without crying. 

But there's that moment when I watch another group and this thought of "what the fuck am I doing" crosses my mind. Because I realize what I'm doing and why - I'm trying to distract myself from the fact he's gone. And immediately there's this weight on my chest and I can't breathe. My screen is filled with boys or girls dancing and singing and being happy, but my eyes are filled with tears.

I just.. Miss him so much. I miss knowing he's doing something. Even when he had no schedules and spent his days doing instagram lives and eating candy in bed. I miss the times when I had a huge test or something else I was scared of and then I was like: "Okay, I'll survive this because Jonghyun will have a schedule this weekend and I'll get new pictures of him and I'll be happy".  I miss him being alive.

I miss listening to his music. There are no words to express how much "End of a day" calmed me down. I always fell asleep listening to it. I always said "Maybe tomorrow" is the song that will get me through life, because if he says everything's alright then everything IS alright and I'll be okay. 

I don't want to sound like a bad person, but sometimes I get extremely sad when my friends see new photos of their ults because it hits me I'm never getting new pictures of Jonghyun. Photos I've never seen before, yes. But not new. 

It hurts knowing I will never ever see him and be able to thank him for everything he's done for me. But I will always love him. I really hope I'll never stop loving him, because what's the point then? What's the point of me crying and ruining my mental health now, when it matters the most?

Almost all my love went to him and I have no regrets.

But there's also a lot of my love that went to other people. Other idols, sure. But there are no words to express how much I love my family and friends. As I already said, it will take a whole post to try to describe how much they mean to me.

I'm thankful for everyone I have in my life at the moment. After Jonghyun's death I've lost some "friends", but the most important ones have stayed. They mean the world to me. I don't judge people who have many friends, but my nine friends are my everything and I don't need anyone else. I trust them beyond limits.

My life is a complete mess at the moment, but my family, friends and, no matter how stupid you think this sounds, my idols keep me going. You may think some guy with a weird name and girly face is a loser or whatever, but he keeps some people fighting and not giving up. And I'm thankful for every person I keep in my heart, every person that has taken a bit of my "love capacity", because I wouldn't have been the same person without them.

Even though not everyone will see this, I want to say thank you. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for existing.

Always in my heart.