ADULTHOOD [OPEN.]

So... I turned eighteen last weekend. It feels weird - knowing you're an adult and all. I don't feel older, but sometimes I realize that I'm a legal adult and it's just.. weird. 

Nothing changes for me - I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't want to drive yet, I won't start working because I'm still a junior in highschool. But my mentality changes a bit.

Other than celebrating my birthday, there's been nothing much going on. I was pressured into having a celebration with my family which went okay considering how horrible it usually goes due to my social anxiety and how uncomfortable I feel when there's a lot of people around. 

My sister gave me a bracelet for my birthday and I haven't taken it off since saturday. It looks similar to a bracelet Jonghyun wore last May and that makes me happier; it makes me feel closer to him. She gave me a lot of other stuff which made me cry but I don't want to share.

I also got a LOT of Lightning McQueen merch - more than I'd like to admit. Tina literally told me that my life is becoming a Lightning McQueen shrine. I now own a blanket, pencil case, pencil, bottle and stickers - all McQueen merch. Kachow, as he'd say.

I swear I'm actually eighteen.

SHINee had their comeback and that makes me really happy. I love seeing them perform because I know they love doing it. They're so strong and I'm extremely proud of them. And the album is amazing - I'd listen to it if I were you! 

Although I cried really hard when I listened to it the first time. I don't want to overshare, but it was the worst I've felt in a while and it scared me a bit and I don't want that to ever happen again. But now I can listen to it without problems which makes me feel better.

I wish I could listen to all SHINee albums. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to try. What if I hear Jonghyun sing and it makes me tear up on the bus or the tram? I can't cry in public, I've done that too many times already.

There are two more SHINee comebacks left in the following month and that's the only thing which gives me strength to keep going. I have three more tests and two oral exams, which isn't a lot, let's be real. But I just can't make myself study. I can't. My brain is tired and overwhelmed and I just can't memorize any more information. I'm just thankful I didn't get many (almost any - damn you biology) Fs this year because I'd cry 24/7 if I had to correct grades at this point.

This week I didn't have to study at all and all I did was - nothing. Read some twitter aus, ate ice cream and watched random videos on youtube. I can't wait until summer comes and I just waste it as I do every year.

This is not the time to have an existential crisis - my ongoing crisis is more than enough!

(But I also have a crisis because I'll finish the last season of The Office soon and I don't want that because I've been watching it for the last four months and I've become attached help me).

Anyway, I think I'm happy at this point. I love my friends and I care about them so much and I love spending time with them as I did yesterday and as I do every week and I just don't know what I did to deserve them. I love SHINee and seeing new content from them every day - I'm not used to that since their last comeback was in 2016. I love my family for caring about me and loving me even though I'm this mess of a person that rarely interacts with them. I love Minho and Stray Kids which is weird as well because I was lowkey an anti for the longest time but now they make me so happy! I love VIXX and I really wish I could see them live at least once in my life. I love my twitter aus which make me forget about reality for an hour a day. I love french which I want to be fluent in and learning new words and grammar rules makes me so happy. I love eating ice cream at the bus station when I have to wait for the bus for almost an hour. I love wearing cute outfits and braiding my hair so it'd be soft the next day.

I only miss Jonghyun and hate school, but soon the school part won't be in this sentence and that makes me a bit happier.

But I'll always miss Jonghyun.

I can love the little things in life as much as I want, but a big part of it is missing and it's just how my life is now. I'll get used to it.

I am eighteen years old, I am a Lightning McQueen stan, and I am currently happy.