GETTING BETTER?

I'm finally done with tests and oral exams and, well, stress. I already feel free. I'm happy.

Although I'm not sure if I'm truly happy. No matter what you think about it, I still miss Jonghyun like crazy. More than three months later, it still makes no sense he's gone. 

But I think my mental health is getting better. I don't cry as much. I think the last time I cried out of genuine sadness was two weeks ago when his album came in the mail. 

I do feel bitter. God, I hate myself for admiting it and I hate myself even more for even being like that, but I'm so bitter because everyone has their ults alive and happy and I don't. It hurts. It hurts seeing someone say "I miss them" about their ult when they had a schedule a couple of days ago. Mine will never have a schedule again. 

I mean, I have other ults. I ulted three more people last week. But they're not him. No one will ever be him.

But generally, I think I'm okay. Not good, definitely not great, but I'm okay. 

I'm focusing on myself, finding happiness in my interests.

I kind of neglected french, but I still love it a lot. Momo showed me "A whole new world" in french (Ce rêve bleu if anyone is interested!) and I cried. It was so beautiful, it made me feel warm and happy. Everything is so much prettier in french.

As it was my goal when I started my blog, I am focusing on my writing again. I mean, I've just written one little story for a literary competition at school, but it's something. Usually I can't make myself write anything in croatian. I wrote a sad story, unlike two years ago, and my teacher said she liked it, which is probably the best (and only) compliment she's ever given me. My friends also said they like it, but they also hate me because I made them cry. If it doesn't get published online, I might post it here. I'll think about it. But if you want to, you can read my other story: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2Yvpw-OKhI9a0I5aVBwV1JPSXc/view

I've also discovered that Disney cartoons are very helpful. Sometimes I get sad, or start feeling something that I can't really describe but it's just that I don't know what to do and nothing I can think of is good enough and I feel some kind of pressure on my chest and I want to cry but I can't so I'm just kind of... there? I don't know. And watching my ult groups at those times doesn't help because that feeling usually comes because I miss Jonghyun and if I tried to distract myself with other groups it would just make me miss him more. So I watch cartoons. 

I didn't watch many cartoons while growing up. I mean, I watched cartoons, but my mom said I was too impatient to watch those that lasted over an hour. I think that in my entire life I've only watched Lion King, The Little Mermaid, Cars (1, 2 and 3!!), Toy Story (1 and 2), Finding Nemo, Aladdin, UP!, Gnomeo and Juliet, and of course, Zootopia. And recently, when I've been feeling like that, I've watched Mulan and Princess and the Frog. 

It honestly makes me feel so much better. It feels like nothing exists but those magical creatures, princesses and magic. Everything is magical.

Other than that, I've been discovering new music and liking new groups, which also makes me happy. I've been, of couse, hanging out with my best friends, who make me the happiest. I've reached season six of The Office and Jim and Pam are finally married and that makes me happy as well.

I could say I'm happy, I guess. 

I hope Jonghyun's happy too. It's what he deserves.

P.S. happy birthday to Kim Minseok, the man, the myth, the legend. I love that old man so much, I hope he'll have the best day ever.