COPING MECHANISMS

So.. hi? This is my first post, I guess. As I've said already, I'm kind of using this as a coping mechanism. If you know anything about me, you know I've been going through a lot lately. And I'm not sure if anyone even cares about it, I'm not sure if I should talk about it. I'd like to write about something that will have some kind of message, and maybe eventually I'll come to that level.

For now, I'd like to say that life is hard. It's really fucking hard. You give your all to someone and you're like, "okay, this person won't hurt me because they don't know I exist and I'm just listening to their music, nothing bad can happen", and you love them with your entire heart and they make you happy and you just want them to be happy.

But then they kill themselves.

And there was absolutely nothing you could've done about it. There's absolutely nothing you can do now.

There's just.. A void in your heart. Absolutely nothing can fill it. Looking at the face of the man who brought you more happiness than anything in the world ever did now makes you sad because he's gone and he's never coming back.

I'd lie if I said there's a moment when I don't miss him. It's a constant state for me now. Missing him. Wondering if he's okay. Wondering what his last thoughts were, did he eat before he died, what were the last words he said to his best friends.

I know I shouldn't have gotten attached. I shouldn't have let this happen. How did it happen, anyway? How did my happiness start depending on a korean singer?

I still don't regret anything. There's nothing I'd do differently, except dedicate him more time. Give even more of my love to him. Call him a loser little less often, even though I still do it.

So, the point is... I don't know. There isn't one. I'm still coping. I'm still trying to realize he's gone. Sometimes I still think he'll come back at some point, it somehow slips my mind that he... He can't come back, ever.

But let me tell you a secret.

As long as he's happy, then so am I.