FREE SOMEBODY

The title of today's post has been brought to you by miss Luna! Listen to her album Free Somebody and appreciate her work! She's literally perfect and extremely underrated!

Besides that, I've obviously forgotten about my blog and now I'm just winging this at 11pm even though I have to wake up at 8am. Have fun keeping up with my messy train of thought!

See, I'm supposed to be free now. It's summer break! But dentist appointments cannot be ignored, unfortunately.

But I can't wait for the day I finally sleep in until 2pm and then stay in bed until at least 3pm. I can't remember the last time I had breakfast at 3pm but those were the days, man.

I'm so happy that I get to relax and rest and do absolutely nothing for THREE MONTHS. I'm going to get so much sleep I'm not even ready. But there's also this feeling of anxiety? It's still surreal that I'm actually free. I keep feeling like I still need to search for newspaper articles for geography or study biology or something like that. I don't know why since I haven't done anything in weeks but it's still so surreal and incredible. I get to sleep? Watch movies whenever I want to? Have sleepovers without thinking about whether I have a lot to study or not?? Impossible.

I've been on break for two days now and it was amazing. TIna came over and we haven't moved in like thirty hours. We just watched videos and found ourselves new boys to love. And we couldn't get "Boy" out of our heads.

I downloaded both albums by The Boyz and then I decided I could have SHINee's discography on my phone again. And now I have all 300 SHINee songs on my iTunes, ready to be listened to. I'm so excited! Today marks six months since I last listened to SHINee songs (not counting the new albums).

I still can't believe it's been six months since Jonghyun died. Six months. Tomorrow. Tomorrow it will be six months since the worst day of my life, since the day everything changed. Since the day I lost the ground underneath my feet. I still remember that entire day vividly. I remember seeing the message "Nensi I'm so sorry" and feeling my heart clench. I remember seeing the tweet "Jonghyun passed away on the way to the hospital" and being unable to breathe. I was so close to starting to shake. It's awful, it's awful that it all comes back so vividly, as if I'm experiencing everthing again when I think of it. 

I can't get used to him being gone. I look at the posters on my wall and I know he's gone but I can't grasp it. Seeing him in videos still makes me cry. I really wish I could somehow feel better about that entire situation. It's been six months and I still miss him just as I did the first day.

I remember waking up at 2am on December 19th and just starting to cry. I remember sobbing but without making a sound so my sister doesn't hear. I remember wishing with my entire heart that it was just a nightmare but it wasn't.

But somehow I've been living without him for six months. Somehow I've been strong, although I think I've been fake strong, strong for the public eye. Still, I'm proud of myself. Proud for being able to talk about him, even joke about him. Proud for not breaking down in public, proud for still going strong after everything. Proud for passing the year with a strong A although almost all my grades dropped after he passed away.

I miss him. I always will.

I think I'm going to try listening to SHINee's music tomorrow. Or maybe I'll listen to The Boyz? Maybe Blackpink? Depends on my mood. But hopefully I won't cry.

Also! Support Blackpink's comeback! 

But most importantly, support SHINee! Their "I Want You" MV came out this Monday and their "Our Page" MV comes out on the 25th! I can't wait for the third comeback so I can order all three albums!

I really love SHINee. I know I talked about it already but I can't stress enough how happy those boys make me. As soon as I see them, my heart is at peace. I love them the most and I'm so glad I have them. They're my family. Forever.

Maybe I'll be a bit more interesting next week. Anyway this bitch finished junior year with a strong 4.6 which is the highest my average grade has ever been and I'm really proud of myself. I'm going to sleep now because it's what I fucking deserve!

Stream "I Want You", good night!