IRRELEVANT

Maybe writing these makes me feel better, and maybe now I don't feel so well. Maybe I feel bad more than I admit. I don't want to feel like this.

I thought I was getting better, but this week was such a mess and I felt horrible almost every second of it. I wasted today, I did absolutely nothing except read some stories on twitter and finish that thriller I started reading the other day. It was a bad idea, considering it made me feel uneasy and creeped out. It was about this guy who randomly started killing people because he felt a need to taste blood and during the time the novel takes place, he was in Tokyo, supposedly trying to get laid but he actually killed at least ten people. There are a lot of descriptions of how Kenji, the guy helping him find hookers, felt while spending time with the killer, how he felt looking at the poor prostutites having their throats cut... It was a good book, but it made me feel awful.

A lot of things make me feel awful and it's mostly my own fault. I am probably my own worst enemy and I hate it because I'm supposed to be my best friend. But I wouldn't be best friends with myself, to be honest. I don't know why people decide to stay friends with me and I question it a lot, but I'm thankful they do. 

Yesterday, I was walking home from school and I noticed the moon, shining brightly. "Jonghyun", I thought. I miss him. I looked at the moon the entire way to my house, my heart clenched the entire time. At one moment, I thought "I can't believe the Earth has a whole ass satellite circling around it and it actually affects a lot of things like the sea and people and-" and then it hit me. 

I'm so irrelevant.

We all are.

What's the point of anything? Life is so short. Nothing matters. 

When you think about it, Halley's commet is visible only once every 80ish years. One person seeing it twice is extremely rare. I know I won't. Who knows if I'll even see it once? Our lives are so short compared to the existence of the Earth, let alone the universe. 

Why do we think we're so important? Why do people think their problems are so important, when all of it will pass?

Why am i so concerned over my grade in biology, when I can correct it soon and it doesn't affect me in any way since my overall grade stayed the same? Why has it been bothering me for five days already, when there's nothing I can do to change it? Why, when it's so irrelevant to the universe? Halley's commet doesn't care about my biology grade.

Everything is so irrelevant.

Sometimes I think of a tweet I have in my drafts. No one would've seen it even if I tweeted it, but I didn't want to be reminded of that. I wrote something like: "I hope I'll always love Jonghyun, because if I get over him then what's the point of me being this sad and hopeless? It won't matter anymore and it matters so much now". I think the way I'm dealing with the loss of one of the most important people in my life matters. It affected my grades, my behaviour, my relationships with some people, my mental state, the way I am right now.

I miss him. I miss him more and more as days go by and as much as it seems that I'm strong and that I've moved on with my life, I haven't. The moon reminds me of him, daisies remind me of him. I've gotten a tattoo to keep him by my side forever. I have him in my phonecase, on my phone and twitter layout. I have him in my heart. He's my everything.

I lost some friends. A bunch of twitter mutuals, too. But I lost some people I talked to every day, people who made me really happy. I never thought I'd stop loving those people, it seemed impossible that I'd be able to go a day without receiving a message from them. But there are some I haven't talked to in over four months and I'm doing okay. Which says a lot.

My grades dropped. And I hate myself for it. But the school psychologist pressured me into going to school the day after he died, and I had to take a biology test which means I had to study the day I found out he's gone. I had to study. While crying. While wanting to die myself. Every time I turned a page, every time I tried to focus on kidney function or diffusion of oxygen in lungs, I felt tears coming to my eyes. Of course, I got the worst grade in the entire class because the test was really easy, but I didn't manage to remember a lot.

I have a weird relationship with kpop right now and I wrote about it every week for the last month or so, but I just... Don't know how I feel about anyone and I hate it because it was the only thing that made me happy and kept me sane in december and january. I hate it because I made so many friends because of it and the main topic in my friend group is kpop. I love my friends the most and I know that me not being passionate about the thing that brought us together doesn't matter and they'll always be there for me, but it still changes a lot. It changes some of the main aspects of my personality. 

I don't know who I am anymore or what I'm trying to do with my life.

But it's irrelevant, isn't it?

Me trying to become a better person is irrelevant. Me trying to improve my french and my writing, the only two things I'm passionate about are irrelevant. Me trying to be happier is irrelevant.

Everything is irrelevant.