JESUS IS THE NEW BLACK

The other day I heard the church bells ring as I was walking to school, and I did the sign of the cross. A second later, my brain registered what I did and I had to stop walking to think.

It was a mere habit. The bells seem to be even louder if I ignore them, as if their goal is to make me feel guilty.

Because I don't know what I believe in anymore.

I used to believe. I really did. I was sure something existed, I liked the idea of religion. I prayed to God every evening, not actual prayers but I thanked for the good things in my life and stuff like that. It was nice; comforting in a way. I asked for silly things, like an A in a biology test or seeing my crush in the hallway or whatever.

I started doubting when my best friend's mom died.

I prayed for nothing but her health. I didn't ask for anything else. I only saw her twice in my life before that but I liked her, she was always nice to me and I definitely didn't want to see my best friend hurt. My prayers didn't come true and I started doubting. I started using religion as a joke, started considering the idea of the Bible being just a literary piece like any other book.

I never clarified myself though; I never said what my standpoint on religion is. People who went to church every sunday were very fascinating to me; people who wore crosses around their necks.

The day Jonghyun died was the day I stopped believing. My life, my mindset, everything changed for the worse. And as I was crying myself to sleep, I thought, "God can't be real. He wouldn't do this to me. He wouldn't do this to any of us. He wouldn't do this to him. He wouldn't make him feel so awful that he actually kills himself. He wouldn't, if he was so good, if he loved people so much. He doesn't exist."

There's that little bit of guilt in my heart every time I hear the church bells or see my religion teacher. I was raised in a christian family and in a christian country, but I can't make myself believe in someone who took the most amazing, precious, unique person in the world from us.

"God wanted his favorite angel back", well doesn't that make him really selfish? Doesn't that make him an awful being since he made him kill himself? He made him think he was worthless, he made him think no one cares about him.

The only ounce of faith that still hasn't left me remains because I love the idea of happy Jonghyun in heaven. I love the idea of Jonghyun sitting on the softest cloud and telling god he's going to paint the moon pearl aqua to let everyone know he's okay. I love the idea of him still existing in some other dimension.

So I still pray.

I ask him to take care of him, to make sure he's happy.

And I know I'm not a good person and I don't deserve to enter that hypothetical heaven, but I really want to see Jonghyun. Just once. To make sure he's happy, to make sure he knows he did well.

Because he did. He did more than well and I'll always be incredibly proud of him.