KIM JONGHYUN

It's nearing the end of his birthday, but I really want to write a post about him on this important day. A lot of people might not read it, but that's okay. I'd just like to explain everything I feel for him. Even though there aren't enough words and ways to put words together to express it.

Kpop is something really weird and hard to explain. You have your ults, people you love the most. But that love isn't romantic love, it doesn't have to be. Sure, you can want to hold your ult's hand and be soft about them, but mostly, that love is just.. admiring. Being proud of someone. Supporting them in their achievements.

I had a lot of biases before Jonghyun. And a lot after him. But he changed everything in my life, including me.

I didn't care about SHINee at first and it pains me to admit it. Klara showed me their MVs and I was like "okay nice can we watch something else now". Horrible. But I said Jonghyun was my favorite.

Later, I started liking them more, I started liking him more. Somewhere at the end of june, I officially biased him. But I still prefered some other people. 

Now, I wish I wasn't that stupid and I wish I started loving him earlier.

In July, I felt an urge to stan them. I don't know why, suddenly I just thought of Kibum and I wanted to watch SHINee variety and reality shows and get to know and love them. And I did. And I fell for Jonghyun.

And not just any Jonghyun.. Ring Ding Dong era Jonghyun, with that ugly ombre hair. And he was only nineteen years old. And the only thing he said was "is this the reality you wanted?". But I fell.

After that, he was my everything. I still liked other artists, but Jonghyun... He took my mind, my heart. He was all of my thoughts.

You know what that's like, when you start liking someone and all you can do is think about them? That was me with him. But not just at the beginning. 

That was me with him for a year and almost four months.

However, you can love someone and not be in love with them. I loved Jonghyun and I thought all the best about him, he was perfect in my eyes. But I was never delusional and I have never thought that I would date him. I was aware that he was a Korean artist who was ten years older than me. And it was okay.

All I needed was his presence in my life, even though it wasn't physical.

His eyes, his smile.. The way he talked. His songs, his lyrics. His actions. His words. The things he liked, the things he was passionate about and fought for. That's what kept me going.

Whenever I had to study and had no motivation, I just looked at the pictures of him on my wall and I did it. For him. And you know what? I passed sophomore year with an A because of him, even though it was more probable that I wouldn't because I had to raise a lot of grades to do it. I did. I studied every day for the last two weeks of school, because it's what he'd want.

Even now, I study because it's what he'd want me to do. He dropped out of school, but I won't, because I don't have an angelic voice nor any other talents that could make me successful without school.

He was such a unique person. He had interesting thoughts and he expressed them in a special way. He had so much love for his family, members, friends, fan and puppy. He had so much love in his eyes. He put all his emotions in his songs, and he was a very emotional person. He was sensitive to light and noise, he was precious and small and hurt and only wanted to be happy. He tried to make others and himself happy, always. He wanted to bring people together through music. He wanted his words to be able to help people, he wanted his words to bring comfort and aid. 

I love him. God, I love him. He made me such a better person. I don't even know how to put it into words how much I hate myself pre-Jonghyun. But now, I kind of like myself. Thanks to him.

As I wrote for him on the first anniversary of me loving him: "you made me so much happier, you made me grow, you made me see colours i've never seen before. you made me notice beautiful flowers by the road, you made me find shapes in clouds after god knows how many years. you made me a much more loving person.".

There are no words I could use to thank him.

But I wished I would be able to. I hoped I could meet him and thank him for everything he's done for me, unknowingly.

But he's gone.

I don't even know if I should write about the day he died. It was the worst day of my life.

I can't even explain how much pain I felt when I read the words "jonghyun passed away". It didn't feel real, but it also felt very real. I couldn't breathe, it felt like there was too many people in the school. I was supposed to take a physics test literally then. I read it and then the teacher came and gave us tests. I was dizzy, I didn't even read the words.

I asked the teacher to go to the school psychologist. That's where I spent the next three hours, crying my eyes out, not even trying to stop. I just came to her, said I don't feel well and started crying. She didn't even know what happened. It was so hard for me to explain. How do you explain you lost the most important person in your life but you don't even know them?

Every now and then I checked twitter, but there was nothing new. Just other people screaming, crying, hoping he's still alive. 

The school psychologist told me a lot of things which I don't remember because everything was fuzzy and I didn't hear her clearly. I didn't even try because she just.. Didn't understand. How much he meant to me. He wasn't supposed to leave.

I knew he'd leave because he had to enlist in 2019. But that only lasts for two years and then he'd return. I never expected him to leave so soon, unexpectedly, forever.

I miss him. I miss being happy, I miss hoping to see new pictures of him every day. I miss knowing he's okay. I miss his instagram lives, I miss him playing with his dog Roo. I miss his selfies, I miss his goddamned black undershirts he always wore. I miss his cute eyes, his chubby cheeks. 

I miss the way he made me feel happy and safe. I miss the way his voice was the only thing that could make me calm when I'm upset, because now it upsets me. I miss his music; I haven't listened to my favorite songs in months. I miss having motivation and energy to do things. I miss being able to be soft about him in any way other than "I miss him".

But I said I'd love him forever. And I will.

I will forever carry him in my heart, my thoughts, my actions. And on my skin, in the shape of a daisy. Because he was my little daisy. A hint that spring is here, like he is my hint that happiness is here.

I love him, and I hope he's happy up there. I hope he's never sad and that he's not suffering anymore. 

And I hope he's taught Michael Jackson to dance to Ring Ding Dong by now.