LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

I can see it and I'm almost there. Freedom... It's been a while since I felt that and I can't believe that this time next week I will have officially finished junior year! It feels so surreal. I can't believe it's been so long.. I remember finishing freshman year and thinking "so I have to do this three more times..." and now I'm already down to ONCE. How did that happen?!

Last week I was certain I wouldn't pass the year with an A. I had a C in both physics and chemistry, I was sure I wouldn't get good grades in geography, I thought I wouldn't be able to raise my sociology grade, I was 100% sure I wouldn't get an A in logic..... Well.. I'm passing with 4.6 (probably). Either way it's an A for sure and I'm still shook. 

After everything that's happened, after having almost all my grades drop, I was sure I wouldn't pass with an A. But as much as I lost focus on school because of Jonghyun, I focused again because of him. I passed sophomore year with an A because of him even though all odds were against me. I struggled until the last day, I wrote so many tests in latin just so she'd give me a B in the end even though I had a strong C in February. I have no clue how I did it, but I did - for him.

I'm sure at least 80% of you think I'm delusional and honestly I have nothing to fight with against that. It's weird loving kpop idols in general and I know how "locals" look down on kpop stans. But it's okay. It makes me happy and I won't let anyone make me feel bad for my interests. Some people like going out to clubs, some people binge watch Stranger Things, and some people watch korean variety shows. And it's all okay.

I already wrote about Minho and how happy he makes me but I want to do it again because I'm still so overwhelmed with the emotions I have for him. He smiles and my heart just explodes. It doesn't scare me anymore - I've accepted it. And I'm glad I did. I didn't think I'd ever love anyone again or that anyone would make me feel the way Jonghyun did but here I am. I love Minho.

I said I'm happy last time but I'm not that sure anymore. I don't know.

I'm really afraid of summer because I feel like I'll grow apart with my friends and even though a big part of me knows it's not true, the smaller part is louder and it keeps saying everyone hates me and I hate it so much. I also don't know how to deal with being alone, I don't know what to do without Jonghyun. I spent last summer watching SHINee and I know I'll find something else to watch this summer but I can't ignore them, especially because they're my favorite group and they're having two more comebacks this month. But yesterday I tried watching a View stage and I cried so hard because how can Jonghyun be gone when he was there and he was happy and he loved doing that and why is he gone???????

I'll never get used to him being gone. I don't know if I'll ever be able to watch SHINee videos without being in pain. 

I miss him. I miss him I miss him I miss him.

I really hope I'll have a nice summer though. I've struggled enough these past six months and I've experienced more pain than ever before and I deserve to be happy for three months. I really do. My brain is tired and my heart is tired and I just want to be happy for a little while. Genuinely happy.

I want to be able to feel free. Light, like I'm floating. I want to be able to look at myself, my life, and think "I'm so lucky. I can't believe this is my life and I get to live it". I really want that.

I want to have sleepovers with all my friends, I want to go out to the movies with them, I want to go for walks, I want to be able to tell them everything that comes to my mind, I want to facetime them when we don't see each other often. I want my heart to be full of love and happiness.

For now I'll focus on loving SHINee. As much as my heart hurts sometimes when I watch them, their comebacks this month are making me the happiest person on Earth. I don't know if I've already mentioned that, but this is their first comeback in a year and eight months! And now they're getting all this content - a website, a reality show, dance practices, THREE COMEBACKS, guesting on variety shows... I keep calling them my family for a reason - they make me feel loved and safe.

I can't wait for the third mini album to drop so I can buy it. I really want to support my boys and I wish I could support them with more than just my love and the little bit of money I have. I know Jinki said they just want our love and support this comeback but I really want to give them more. I want to make them feel the way they make me feel.

If you're reading this, I hope you'll watch their comeback tomorrow! It's called "I Want You". And I hope you've already watched "Good Evening"!!!

Also, I won't make up for the post from last week. I mean, Momo told me I have to write another essay and I will this month, but I won't write a post like this to make up for it. And I'm not sure whether I'll update every sunday when summer break starts but I'll try.

I can't for next week to end - I can't wait to be free.