SOMETHING NEW

I usually post on Sundays, but I skipped one week and I got that Kihyun essay as punishment. Although I kind of enjoyed writing it, to be honest. Anyway, I don't want to get punished again so I'm here, posting on my regular schedule.

I haven't posted last week because lately there's only one thing on my mind and that's a boy. Thankfully, not a real life boy, I'm done with that. I'm talking about a boygroup member. He's a rookie and his group's music isn't really my style, so stanning that group is really weird for me and I've never expected it to happen. He was the only thing on my mind so I didn't want to be annoying and talk about him because I know absolutely no one cares.

Yet, here I am, writing about him.

Because I feel weird.

I haven't felt like this in a long while. Sure, I've had many ults besides Jonghyun and they've all made me happy and soft and mushy, and even after Jonghyun's death, I tried to love other people from different groups and it made me happy, but not this happy. No one's made me feel this way. 

Before this boy, before Minho, everyone I loved was kind of temporary. I'd watch their videos and save their pictures, but as soon as they were out of sight, they were out of mind as well. There was no one who occupied my thoughts, who made me daydream about them. I was happy when I watched them at home, but I had to survive the hell called school without anything like that to distract me.

But now... Minho has all my thoughts. He has my entire heart, he makes me happy. I check Twitter more often than before to make sure I didn't miss any previews or other posts about him. I watch at least one video of him a day, I go on soft rants about him. I haven't soft ranted about anyone since Jonghyun's last schedule... which was in December. Now, a day doesn't go by without me screaming about how much I love Minho.

And it's weird. I probably shouldn't feel that way and I'm just creating unnecessary problems, but it makes me feel like I'm replacing Jonghyun. Because he's the only one who's ever made me feel this way, it's weird to feel these feelings for someone else. I know Jonghyun's gone, and even if he wasn't, ulting someone else alongside your ult isn't a big deal. You're allowed to ult or drop whoever you want. But maybe exactly because Jonghyun is dead, maybe that's why I'm making a big deal out of this.

I don't know. I don't know what's going on and I don't want to face my feelings. But the truth is that I'm scared even though I shouldn't be.

I love Jonghyun the most and that will never change. I wouldn't get a symbol of him engraved in my skin if I didn't believe in that. But that doesn't mean I can't move on with my life at the same time. I know it's okay, I just have to make myself believe it.

I'm thankful for Minho and I'm really glad I found him, even though I didn't want to stan his group. He's made me so happy and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm glad I have something to think about when I really can't focus on class, when I feel sad and when I want to distract myself from my dark thoughts. 

Because he radiates happiness and positive energy. His smile is brighter than the Sun and his gentleness towards the younger members makes me melt. He's always positive and tries to make everyone laugh even though he's been through so much and he was insecure for a really long time. I love him.

I'm glad I have someone to give me energy and strength for studying again. I was about to give up. I seriously can't do it anymore, it's too stressful and exhausting. My grades are dropping and so is my mental health. All I want to do is stan more girlgroups and eat ice cream, but here I am, having to study about the Civil War in the US and how to calculate the length of waves. The ends of school years are always horrible and I never know how I'll get through it, but somehow I always do.

And this year I'll probably be thankful to Minho for giving me strength.

I know this post sucks but I'm tired and my thoughts are incoherent to me because it's all just softness for Minho, but it'll probably be better next week.

Before I leave, I'd like to recommend the mini album Whisper by VIXX LR and Full Moon by EXID! Lately I've been finding new music and I'm kind of figuring out what suits me the best and what makes me the happiest so I'd like to share it with you. As if I don't on Instagram all the time!

Anyway, I love you all and good luck with school and other activities you're doing!