THERE IS A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT

Do you know that "*taps mic* uhhh i love all my friends" tumblr post? That's my only personality trait you should know about. I would do anything for my friends and their happiness.

I love all my friends. I love the ones I don't communicate with often. I love the ones who don't live near me. I love everyone I consider my friend.

But most of all? I love my BBC friendgroup. 

You can call me weak, and I know I depend on people too much, but I get so sad when I'm alone. As soon as I don't have my friends beside me, as soon as I don't have anyone to distract me, I feel some kind of pressure and I don't know what to do with myself and I just want to cry. 

I know I said I was getting better but it literally happened this week. 

I spent three days with my best friends. I went to Tina's on thursday and we spent the entire day together, having fun, watching videos and listening to music we like (even if the other one doesn't khm gdragon khm). I bought her her favourite album for her birthday and she was really happy.

On friday, our other friends came. The whole BBC friendgroup was there. We bought her a guinea pig all together and they all bought her individual gifts. The guinea pig's name is Daisy and that makes me really happy.

It was the best weekend of my life. Lazing around, doing everything and nothing in particular with my best friends. Going through jaehyunpics on twitter with Momo, watching "Jim's Best Pranks On Dwight" with Klara and Momo, watching NCT and Monsta X weekly idol episodes all together, playing dumb bias quizzes made in 2012 or earlier and being like "I got Yuri as my SNSD soulmate, I have to drop Tiffany now". It was really fun. Even though Klara sat on me at one point.

I don't think I've ever been happier, at least this year. 

And then I came home. 

And everything was.. shattered?

I was so incredibly sad. I didn't want to go on twitter, I didn't want to talk to anyone in real life. I went through the folders on my laptop and discovered I saved a picture of Jonghyun smiling on the morning of his death. It hurts, you know? Knowing I was so happy, so excited to see the episode that screenshot was from, the episode where he was smiling so brightly. The episode which never aired. And all of it was crushed. I saved it at 7am. I found out he died around 11:30am. 

I thought I'd feel better in the morning. But I didn't. It was Easter and we had relatives coming over but I just... couldn't make myself get out of bed and talk to them. I closed myself in my room and watched cartoons. Listened to The Smiths and cried. Wishing he was alive.

I'm weak. There's no point in lying to me. So many people told me I'm strong. "I couldn't keep living if something like that happened to me". You could. I thought I wouldn't be able to go on without him, he means too much to me. But here I am, holding on somehow. But I'm not strong, I'm far from it.

I depend on my friends too much and I know it. 

I met Klara when I needed her the most. The eight grade was a horrible time for me and honestly, if I hadn't met her I would've been a completely different person today. She made me happier and she makes me happy every day. I can't even put into words everything I think and feel about her because she is my bestest friend and every day spent with her is a good day. I don't even know how we lived in 2015 when we saw each other three (3) times throughout the entire summer break. Now we have sleepovers which last for four days and when I leave her house, she comes over the next day. We even have our own language or some type of our own communication because literally no one else understands us when we talk. I still want to know what we went to watch when we were like "you know what we have to watch?" "yes". It remains a mistery. I love her and I love her family for making me feel like a part of it. She cares about me a lot and I care about her more than anyone. I think everyone needs a Klara in their lives and I'm so glad I have the original one.

The beginning of our friendgroup was when I met Tina. We started texting before we knew each other in person and I think the universe smiled down on me when it put us in the same class. We were awkward with each other the first week, but then she whipped out a rock during history class and we spent the entire lesson decorating it and not listening to the teacher. We were never awkward since and we get more and more comfortable with each other each day. I love her a lot and I only want her to be happy, always, because she makes me happy just by being my friend. She's so tiny and cute and needs protection and it makes no sense that she's older than me, let alone that she's a legal adult as of today. I would give her all the puppies in the world and go to every Monsta X concert with her if I could, just to see her happy.

Monika became a part of our friend group fairly recently, but a week after she first started hanging out with us, it was kind of empty without her. First she was our internet friend and we had such awkward conversations on twitter. But we started talking on snapchat and we became closer and closer as our streak became longer and longer. We met in person almost a year ago and she started coming to our friday gatherings when she started attending university. And here we are now, being extremely close friends. She makes me so happy and I'm so glad I met her. I don't know who I'd be without her "my daily I love you the most". It always makes me happy. She's such a cutie who deserves all the love in the world because she has an universe of love inside her heart which she keeps giving to people. 

The most unexpected member is Momo because I thought she hated me when we first met. After that, I avoided conversation about her and I didn't want to meet her again. But we did meet again and I found out she liked SHINee, especially Minho, and she sent me a bunch of Kyungsoo pics and I loved her immediatelly. But honestly, I started loving her a lot in a short amount of time (and she still doesn't believe me!). She's so cute and precious and I want to protect her even though she's older than me. I'm so glad she became one of my four closest people and I trust her with my life. Je l'aime beaucoup, ma petite femme. Et pour toujours! 

There was this one person who kept teasing me about being antisocial and having no friends. I went along with it, until one day it started being annoying. Because, okay, I have one friend at school and you don't see me having other friends. That's okay. Because my four friends mean the world to me.

My friends were there for me when I needed them, and I'm there for them, always. We understand each other and try to make each other happy, but we're also here for each other during our "worse" times, and not just "better". No matter how long my fridays at school are, that's my favorite day of the week. Because I know I'll spend at least five hours with my all time favorite people in the world and be happy. And at the end of the day, we'll all share a group hug and my heart will feel warm and everything will be okay.