WHERE AM I NOW.mp3

I'm bad at titles, as we've all already concluded. And I also love Boa with my entire heart so this is a title of one of her songs which kind of relates to this post. 

So, where am I now?

Boa says, "I am here" in the song. And I am.. here. Wherever "here" is.

A lot of things have happened in the last couple of weeks and my mental state had changed a bit so I'd like to put my thoughts into words for the first time since this "phase" started.

Firstly, my confidence kind of grew. I owe it to mascara and lipliner, but still. It's a rare, or better said - impossible, occurance that I feel pretty. And yet, I felt pretty a couple of times in the last two weeks. But I'm getting braces in four days and I'm scared my confidence will drop again and that I'll feel uglier than ever. I know it's bad to have such superficial thoughts, but it's a scary thought - thinking you'll lose that one bit of confidence you've gained a week ago after almost eighteen years of being alive.

Another important thing that has happened is a bit harder to explain. 

I don't have strong feelings for my kpop idols anymore. I love them and they make me happy, but not like they did before.

Have you ever grew apart with a friend? You're still friends, but you don't talk much anymore and even though you want to talk more to them, you just can't make yourself text them? That's how I feel with them now.

I still love them, but I... I can't make myself watch more of their content or focus on them. I don't think about them anymore, I don't have anyone I love the most. Which is weird, because I always had someone. Of couse, I still love Jonghyun, I always will, but thinking about him makes me sad. So I had Jongin. Kyungsoo. Then my focus shifted to Hyungwon. And then Jungwoo debuted.

And now... I can't focus on anyone. I see their posts, I save their pics, I'm happy for that split second when I look at them, but then I just.. move on. 

I see my friends giving all their time and energy to their favorite groups, saving every preview, watching every video including them, and I'm physically there, but mentally somewhere else.

The saddest part is that I don't even know where I am mentally at that time. What do I think about the entire day? I'm not used to this, I've been thinking about these people for two years. 

And I can't decide whether it's a good thing or not. I've been a person that stans kpop for a while now and this feeling, or absence of feelings, makes me want to become something else. Have a personality outside of kpop for a change. Maybe become a better person.

But I still listen to kpop. Or maybe I should say Boa. 

Do you know that feeling of finding new music? And then you feel at peace with yourself because you found something you like and that makes you happy and you're content. That's me with Boa's music. 

I also don't think I could stop listening to Take You Home by Baekhyun. The first seconds of that song make my heart warm and everything feels right. And I love Baekhyun. Just not as much as I used to. And I can't make myself love him like that again.

I want to work on myself. And I want to have a better personality and stop being this mess of a person that I am. I seriously can't imagine anyone wanting to talk to me or get to know me after finding out what I like. Maybe I should first try to have a higher opinion of myself and not bring myself down. But mostly I'd like to expand my interests and become someone whose personality I'd like.

I want to be happy.

And sometimes, I am happy. There are those kinds of moments when I'm happy and content and I'd like that moment to last forever. Those moments usually happen when I'm with my friends, like this friday for example. I finally understood that "Perks of being a wallflower" quote. I was content. Everything felt right, the universe alligned itself so that everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. I missed Monika and that day would've been perfect if she was there, but it was great nevertheless. I acted like a child again after who knows how many years, actually played around, looked at the sky, threw rocks into the lake, took selfies while smiling widely even though I hate my smile. My heart is warm just when I think about it.

The memories I make with my best friends are the best memories and the only ones that matter. And I want to make a lot more memories with them. I can't wait to go to Dubrovnik with them this summer and to experience lots of more new things with them.

I also want to meet my internet friends. I want to talk to my crush. I want to travel to Paris. I want to pass this school year with an A. I want to have a puppy. I want to buy a sketchbook. I want to improve my writing.

And I'll manage to do some of those things, because some are easier to do than the other ones. Maybe I'll never try to do some of them, and maybe I'll do all of them. But I know one thing -  I'll manage to become a better person, one step at a time.

I've decided to try; I've decided to do my best to become someone I won't be ashamed of.